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Amanda Kloots memoir reveals final words to late husband Nick Cordero

Amanda Kloots opens up her late husband Nick Cordero’s death in her new book (Picture: Getty/Amanda Kloots/Instagram)

Amanda Kloots has opened up about the heartbreaking ups and downs of her late husband Nick Cordero’s 95-day battle with Covid-19 in her new memoir, Live Your Life.

The celebrity fitness trainer, 39, had her world turned upside down when her Broadway star partner caught the virus and was left battling for his life in the ICU due to complications from the deadly disease before he died on July 5, 2020.

Amanda – who is mother to two-year-old son Elvis – famously shared updates about Nick’s condition with the world to help people realize just how serious the unprecedented pandemic was last year.

Now, the star has revealed the full story about Nick’s final days in her moving memoir, detailing the most devastating moments in her life with Nick, and many of the happiest ones too.

In an exclusive extract shared with Metro.co.uk, The Talk co-host opened up about the moment she realized it was time to say goodbye to Nick.

After doctors revealed keeping Nick alive was causing ‘more harm and pain than good’, Amanda recalls having difficult conversations about what to do next with Nick’s mother Lesley and one of Nick’s doctors named Sarah.

Amanda’s memoir, Live Your Life: My story of loving and losing Nick Cordero, is out now (Picture: HarperCollins Publishers)

‘We had already had many talks about Nick’s assistance and levels, but Sarah was right, no one had ever said those exact words. Lesley and I had sat next to these machines every day, obsessing over the numbers and watching them take over his organs, but we had never thought of it in these terms. We had been in survival mode and hadn’t been able to wrap our heads around losing the fight.

‘What she said suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. Nick and I had never intentionally discussed this topic. Why would we? I’m thirty-eight, and he’s forty-one. But strange things come up in passing sometimes, and he had actually said to me that he would never want to be kept alive by machines in a hospital bed. I had agreed. After the doctor said that, I looked at Nick as though it was my first time walking into his room. He was less than half his size; his body was covered entirely with blankets to keep him warm. Only his thin, sunken face was showing. The dialysis machine was running his kidneys, a pacemaker was assisting his heart, he couldn’t breathe without a ventilator, he had a trach down his throat and a feeding tube so he could “eat.”

‘The bedsore on his tailbone was getting worse by the day. He was covered in IVs, had been poked and prodded all over for months. He was missing his right leg, his left toes were black, and fingers of his right hand were black and swollen. He was not Nick anymore. There had been a time that he was. For a long time, he was there, and you could tell that he was fighting. But in these last couple of weeks, that had slowly changed. He was going, and I saw it that day. There wasn’t anything left of him. Lesley and I both stood there, realizing all we could do now was be there to comfort him. Lesley broke the silence, saying quietly, “Amanda, I think we’re keeping him alive for us now.” “I think you’re right, Mom,” I replied, and we both began to cry.

‘When Dr. Ng arrived, he confirmed what we were feeling. “I told you I would tell you if we got to the point where we were causing him more harm and pain than good,” he said. “We’re there now.” For the first time, we were all on the same page. If he survived, the best-case scenario was that Nick would be on a ventilator for the rest of his life, a life he didn’t want. But we knew he would not survive. So now we could either choose comfort care, and ensure that he passed away surrounded by the people he loved, or we could keep going, causing all of us pain, and taking the chance that he would die in the middle of the night, alone. We knew what we had to do but weren’t ready to do it. We decided we would stay with him all day and sleep there so he wouldn’t be alone in case he passed away.

‘When night came, they didn’t allow us both to be in the room, so I slept in a reclining chair next to Nick’s bed, and Lesley offered to stay on a couch out in the waiting area. I woke up at two a.m. and found the room empty of doctors and totally quiet. It had felt like such a grim place all day, but now, in the stillness of the night, it was strangely peaceful and almost beautiful. There was a dim, golden glow from the lights outside peeking through the blinds, and I got up and went to Nick’s side. So much of this fight had been chaotic, but this moment was just calm. I stood there, holding his hand and rubbing his head, and I said goodbye.

‘There was nothing new that I could say; I had said it all so many times now. But I knew this time was the last, and I knew that he could hear me. “Nick, I have to tell you some things, okay? I love you so much, sweetheart. I will always love you. I promise you that I will do every-thing I can to be the best mom to Elvis. I will do everything for our little boy. I will give him the best life I can, and every chance in the world. I promise you that he will know who his dad was, and he will know your family—your sister and brother and your mom.

‘I’ll live in our house like you dreamed for us, and I’ll try so hard to be happy for Elvis and for me. Thank you for our house, honey. I wish you could see it. You would love it so much.’

Excerpted from Live Your Life by Amanda Kloots, reprinted with permission from Harper Books an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers. Copyright © 2021.

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MORE : Amanda Kloots confirms she’s dating again one year after husband Nick Cordero’s death: ‘It’s quite terrifying’


MORE : Amanda Kloots ‘was not a good wife’ to Nick Cordero before his death from Covid-19



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